The good...trying to find blessings in this mess...may need some help with this one. I'm trying to celebrate every happy moment I have...they are small things like a hug from a child, a call from a friend, a sweet message left on my blog, a funny joke, someone else doing the dishes...you name it, I'll take it if it's good.
The BAD!...Here's what's going on so far. I went to the surgeon consultation yesterday. She said I have a cluster of microcalcifications. They rate on a scale of 1-5 according to what they see as a level of concern, with mine being rated a 4. She said out of the people rated a 4 that 50% are non cancerous. I don't know about you, but I'm not liking those odds. Think about it...how often to you win a coin toss or pick the fast lane at the bank drive thru. I know I'm on the losing side of those most of the time. I also found out that they are doing a different type of biopsy called a mammotome. It's suppose to be less evasive, cheaper and better at getting a sample of microcalcifications. Apparently they only give you a vikiden (sp?) and a valium, lay you face down on a table with your breast through a hole and work from underneath. (kind of creepy to me) They will do more mammogram boob smashing during the procedure. I do not do well AT ALL on any strong pain medication so I'm very worried about the affect the pills will have on me. They will take a sample and I will find out 3 long days after that. They are checking the hospital schedule to see what's available, but it will be somewhere between July 31st and August 3rd. The cost will be in the neighborhood of $2,000 that I don't have. $650 has to be paid to the doctor 2 days prior to the surgery. The rest is hospital. Blessing #1 is that the other biopsy would have been in the $5,000 ballpark. Okay...enough about me.
Brittany had her ultrasound this morning and it wasn't good news there either. Now both the small and the large intestines are out and the small intestines are starting to show signs of damage from being in the amniotic fluid. The have begun to dilate. She had been getting ultrasounds done monthly, but now it will be weekly since there is change for the worse. She is 30 weeks along and will be watched closely to keep this baby in for as long as possible with the least amount of damage possible. Right now he is just over 3 pounds. I can't begin to tell you how emotionally overwhelmed I am with everything. My heart aches and I often times feel alone even though I know that I'm not. I really need to try to stay positive and look for the blessings, but it's awful hard when faced with so much bad.
and the ugly...As you know my cat had her babies...well apparently I'm allergic to them. Sunday morning I woke up to matted shut eyes and swollen up huge like golf balls. Even the whites of my eyes were puffy. (I know...totally gross, huh) Today they are still really itchy, watery, and very ugly, but not nearly as bad as they were. My friend just brought me over some claritin to help with the rest.
So there you have it...like my banner says...my life...the good...the bad...and the ugly! I'm praying that good news is right around the corner!
19 comments:
Hi Jolene! My g/f had a baby with its intestines outside - it was girl - born 24 years ago in a military hospital in Germany. She did have about 7 surgeries as a child - but guess what? She's all grown up and has a 3 old now! I'm just sure your grandson will be fine or maybe better than fine!
XOXOX
Sorry to hear about all of your "bad" and "ugly" news. It sure does seem sometimes "when it rains.. it pours".
Here's hoping for the best outcomes of all situations.. try to stay positive: it really does work miracles. *HUGS*
I so wish I was there to give you a big hug! My thoughts are with you and Brittany and baby constantly. Our prayers always include you all. Are you with the expert Dr.'s yet? Try your best to look at the cup 1/2 full.
Hugs to you Jolene! GOD will only give you what you can handle and you know that and even if you think you can't handle it, HE will test you. I am confident you will come through these tests fine! Brittany will have a beautiful healthy baby in a few months and next year you'll be scrapping pages about your rough patches.
Much much hugs and prayers to you and your family!
Oh honey...big hugs and kisses to you and the whole family...including the small kitties that make you swell and itch! Keep that chin up and know that there are a lot of prayers coming from the North country for you and the family!
I am so proud of you, that you are continuing to look for the postitive in all of this, your challenging life...and remember, you have more help than you'll ever know!
XOXOXO!
i just want you to know that your not alone, in any sense of the word. If only in this small way that we stranger/friends find your blog, and make contact. Know that we are thinking of you, praying for you, and send good thoughts and energy your way. I hope all is back to normal soon, whatever that is, right?! Know there are many thinking of you, and wishing you nothing but the best!!
dede
I pull up your blog every morning now, just knowing there will be good news. I don`t even know what to say. There are people out there that are pulling for you and your family ( even though we are stranger/friends like dede said) . I am off to Bible study and you will be prayed for this morning. L, Becky
I love you, Jolene, and you are constantly in my thoughts and prayers. DH and I are praying for every situation that is going on right now. My favorite Bible verse is: "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
Hang in there Jolene and just keep praying. I can't tell you enough to keep up the praying. Everything will turn out ok. I'll keep you and Brittany in my prayers too. Hugs!
Wow, when it rains it pours.
My Mother has had that procedure done with her boobs, although hers was a "needle biopsy" It's better to be safe than sorry so please go for the procedure. And remember, even if it is the bad, it's curable :) Many women are breast cancer survivors :) I imagine it must be HARD to have it on ur mind and I can't say anything to make you feel at ease other than you are being thought about.
As for the unborn Grandson...Thank god Brittney has a good doctor whose watching closely...I hope this all turns out for the best :)
Oh, Jolene, I'm so sorry for all of your troubles. I know it seems like such a dark time. But I hope you find some peace in the knowledge that you have many, many people pulling for you, praying for you, and sending you lots of good thoughts. And that is very powerful stuff.
Try to stay strong and be positive. You're in my thoughts every day!
Popping in to see if you had any news. I'm sorry there is bad but if it makes you feel any better, my mom had the same surgery you need. My mom is the world's biggest whimp you have ever met. She is afraid of doctors and needles. She never goes to the dentist. I am not kidding! She went thru this with flying colors! If you want to talk about this email me and I'll call you!
I'm sorry about the baby news too. I can also reassure you about small babies! I have a friend whose baby was 12 weeks early. This little guy weighed 2 1/2 pounds. We were scared to death when he was born. Keep positive, they do wonders with premies now a days! David is a huge and healthy 8 year old today!! :)
As for the kitties, I can't help! All I can say is find them homes as soon as you can and take lots of allergy meds! ;) Hugs!
Jolene - I've been wondering how things went and I'm glad you updated. I had the biopsy you described (it was my third biopsy) and it wasn't near as bad as I had worked myself up to believe. The pain meds are mainly given to relax you. I read as much information as I could beforehand and asked a lot of questions of my doctors and techs. About the 50% odds - I like to look at the glass half full and I hope you do, too! Feel free to contact me if I can help you in any way. Been through it, too - and on this side of it, I wouldn't change a thing.
If I had the money I would be there for you, Sorry your going through all that. Thinking of you allways, love you lots! ME
Hi Jolene, thanks for letting us know how things went and sorry to hear your bad news. I don't know what I can say that's different to everyone else! Try and stay positive, keep your faith and whatever the outcome rather know and deal with it than hide from it. Your family will remain in our prayers, Big hugs to you all.
Sorry to hear about your bad news. I was were you are at just last year. Try not to think to far ahead. Please stay positive. Just know that if it is cancer you will have caught it at such an early stage. And they do say 80% of microcalcifications are non cancer. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Just know that you will be OK!
Kathy
Jolene...sorry to hear of all the bad news. But like everyone said God won't give you anymore than you can handle. If there is anything that you need give us a call and we will be there for you!! Just keep strong and all will work out. I pray for you everyday! And also for Brittany, Brek, and Baby George. Take Care of yourself!!
Jolene,
I know how difficult it can to be find the good when you are in a horrible situation, I am glad that you were still able to see that good and not let the bad outweigh it.
Even though our situations are different you and I have had more than our share of the bad! Although we also have a good share of the good, our wonderful husbands, Mark, our many many boys, family, friends, a place to call home etc.,
Everyone always tells me how strong I am, losing my son, miscarrying 3 times, losing my grandma, my dad and my mom all in 7 months last year not to mention all the other crap life throws your way, but I would never tell you I am a strong person, I usually feel uncertain about things, I second guess myself all the time, sometimes I just sit down and have a long hard cry and things do seem a little better. I say you do whatever works for you, what ever gets you through the day!
I am so sorry about your "friend"! I know how difficult that can be, after I lost Noah, I lost a lot of so called friends, they told me that I was selfish because I couldn't come to their baby showers or to the hospital to see their babies just weeks and early months after Noah died. They wanted the old me back, they only wanted the good, the happy, the girl who liked to shop and go out to eat, they didn't want anything to do with the heartache I was feeling. It was hard at the time, but now I am glad they are out of my life and I don't waste anymore time on them.
Oh and girlfriend do I understand about the messy boys! Out of 4 of them you would think that someone could pick up their dirty socks, put dirty dishes in the dishwasher, take out the trash . . . and now I have 2 extra for the summer, well only 9 days left, kind of like your extra puppy! :) hee hee
I am so glad that we met, you and I have so much in common I swear sometimes we had to be seperated at birth! :) I am glad that we can talk about all the fun stuff, scrapbooking and our shopping addiction! :) But we are real friends, we can also share the bad and even though our situations are different we can understand and listen and not judge each others feelings, for that I am so thankful!
Know that you are never alone, I am always a click away . . .
Much Love to you,
Melissa
Hi Sis! See even Pam says you need to find homes for your kittens asap. She's right. Send Sugar my way. I will even keep her name Sugar for you. That's just one less thing for you to worry about. You know you would be giving her a good home. Love ya! Thanks for helping me with the daycare flyers tonight. You're the best!
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